Bila Nenek Membebel

i just finished my lunch and decided to go to finance to settle some ‘debt’. it never occur to me that the staff in finance will not be there for they are also taking their lunch break. so u know how i feel when i went there and no soul was to be seen? i wanted to curse but i know its my fault for thinking so selfishly that they will wait for me to come to them. as if… haha

with heavy heart, i walked back to my room. (do u know how far i hv to walk? do you? aiya… im boiling here). a few moments later, the athan for zuhur prayer was heard. there were very few ppl around the academic complex and the weather was quite cloudy at that time. the mood around suddenly changed. with the athan on the background and the dark atmosphere and few ppl around, i think i feel such calmness and… i dont know, somewhat eerie feeling at that time.

i concentrated on the athan. for some reason, the soothing sound made me feel almost as if i was floating in the air. i didnt even aware that i walked very slowly. suddenly i felt like i used to be in this exact situation before. but i dont know when. i concentrated on that and try to recall any event from my memories. but the harder that i tried, the more the memories seems to fade away.

Allah hu Akbar, Allah hu Akbar

Lailahaillallah…

towards the end of the athan, without any reason i suddenly looked at the lush forest opposite building 22 and the memories flowed with such rush that i was stopped on my track. i remember this. i used to be here before. it was in my dream. i walked here in my dream.

**********************************************rewind************************************************
it was eleven years ago. i was 12. and it was Ramadhan. i slept after the sahur. it was then when i had this strange dream. in that dream, i was walking alone in an indeterminate place. it was quite dark and i assumed it was near dusk for there is athan in the background. i remember the feeling of calmness wash over me as i listen to the athan. i looked around. i was in the middle of a jungle but i was walking on a modern pavement and there was also a modern building nearby. towards the end of the athan, i looked to my left and saw a beautiful forest.

the dream end there because my dad woke me up to perform my subuh prayer. as it was already subuh, i assumed the athan that i heard in my dream was probably came from the mosque nearby. but i remembered i felt really calm when i woke up.

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here i am, eleven years later. i recognized the modern pavement. i recognized the modern building. i recognized the lush forest i saw just before i woke up. i know this sounds bizarre and freaky and unbelievable. but i know what i saw and i remembered what i felt.

is there any possibility that i saw my ‘future’ during that time on Ramadhan month? haha… i dont know. and i cant explain that. but one thing i know, UTP is very new. its ‘age’ is not even eleven years but i can have dream based on what it is NOW.

my…if i can see my future, then maybe i am one of the ppl that have the special abilities in Heroes…

save the leader, save the world - Hiro Nakamura

edit: this is just a quick edit and addition to what i said about my deja-vu experience:
last nite i was rummaging thru my file which i put my every certificates and important documents in it. i first ‘collecting’ the certs and docs since i was secondary school lagi. and here’s what i found:

this paper cutting was dated back in 2002 (refer to the box if u dont trust me), when i was in form 5. remember that i said that i want to be an engineer because i dont want to be neither doctor nor accountant? well, when i was in form 5, i know that i want to study chemical engineering because i *uhuk* ‘ace’ the chemistry subject. but actually i never stated specifically that i want to be an environmental chemical engineer or anything. my decision was very broad. but look at what i circled in the paper cutting. i actually took an advertisement about HSE engineer! now let me tell you something. actually, i never notice what is written at the left side of the advertisement because what i really read was what the requirements might be. now that i unearth all this back, i just notice the HSE engineer part. does it a mere coincidence that i fought my best to take environment this sem? does it embedded on my subconscious mind that i am to take environment as my major?

yes, another creepy thought, dont u think? ;p

tau tak, nenek dh final year kt UTP! wow! what an achievement. nenek teringat this exact feeling masa kt jasin dulu. dulu kt jasin, i always thinking of nk berenti sekolah sbb stress sgt kt jasin. (ok, bknla berenti sekolah, tp nk tukar sekolah je. balik sekolah lama balik). tp sbb nenek ni suka procrastinate, so tangguh nk bgtau guru besar psl nk berenti sekolah sampai la last2 nk SPM plk dh. sure2 la taleh nk tukar sekolah psl nama dh daftar nk amek SPM kt jasin.

apa kaitan nye citer berenti sekolah dgn feeling nenek? tader, sbnrnya nenek sll rasa nk givap bljr kt UTP ni psl kekadang tu stress dia melampau sgt, taboleh nk handle. (i actually never tell this to anyone, even kt atok. klu parents tya psl UTP, I told them that im doing ok. and i told them the nice2 stories only in UTP. klu atok tya, i told him about my frens, which, by far, the most interesting thing happen to me in UTP). kekadang rasa nk berenti stadi. kerja jadi minah kilang ke, kerja kt McD ke, kedai buku ke, takpun jd clerk biasa. but then i think what a waste la plk kan. i have potential…somewhere. walopon nenek rasa my potential is not in engineering, but…somewhere, other than engineering. tp sbb dh terlanjur amek engineering, taperla…teruskan je la.

sbb tu pagi tadi nenek bangun tdo, then tetiba terpk, "eh, aku dh final year final sem!", then i was very ecstatic and energetic to begin the day.

lps tu, br sekarang nenek teringat: byk lg tempat kt dalam UTP ni nenek lum abes explore lagi.

nenek nk sgt pegi naik tangki yg dkt dgn staff quarters tu. just last time before i left UTP. just once… i really want to see UTP from bird-eye view. tp masalahnye, nenek tak berani la plk nk g sensorg. nk ada teman at least sorg. baru best leh borak2. bygkn: borak2 atas tangki sambil angin bertiup kencang (kt tempat tggi angin kuat ok), sambil menikmati pemandangan di UTP, bird-eye view! wow…heaven…

and lagi satu, nenek nk g hutan kt tgh2 academic complex tu. especially yg near block 5 and block 21. nenek lalu je kat situ. tak terpikir lak nk masuk hutan tu. but one day, i saw a group of boys keluar dr hutan tu. nenek terpikir, wah, best gk klu masuk hutan tu. again, masalahnye adalah company. nenek nk ade teman sorg masuk dlm hutan tu baru la tak segan sgt.

actually, i have some ppl yg jd candidate nk diajak buat benda2 explore2 ni. cumanya lom officially ajak derg la. aswad mebi crazy enough utk dijadikan teman to climb the tank, but for the ‘hutan exploration’, well…mebi theres a bit problem utk dptkn keizinan ‘mem besar’. hehehe…

syamil? yeah, he can be a good candidate to do all the crazy stuff. tp crazy stuff dia tu limited to computer-stuff and visit-here-and-there-stuff. klu nk soh panjat2 tangki…dgn seluar slek dia tu? i dont think so. hehehe…

apiz can be peneman to both stunts.  but i have strong feeling yg dia akan ajak ramai org len utk join kitorg. his motto: the more the merrier! nenek tanak ramai2… my motto plk: two is a company, three is nuisance! ah…rejek2..

then there’s safa. i think she’s a very very very good candidate indeed. she’s crazy, yes…and she’s adventurous. what more, she’s a girl. so klu bawak masuk hutan pun org takdela pk kami nk wat projek ke apa dlm hutan tu. ahahaha…

but actually, i really want to climb the tank with this one guy. menikmati pemandangan UTP… borak2…romantic? of course. the problem is? pnh g zoo dgn dia. half way je dia pancit. kena ada byk pit stop dgn dia tu. nk ajak g panjat tangki? ermmm…macam tak pecaya je dia leh lepas…. takut perut dia sangkut masa nk panjat. ahahaha…evil me…

satu mlm di mirc:

<kawan> oit, pehal?
<kawan> aku baru balik dr kl ni
<nenek> jht ek
<nenek> enjoy tak ajak aku
<kawan> mlm td "men’s nite" la
<kawan> hahahahaha
<nenek> wak’eleh
<nenek> chill r
<nenek> anggap aku as one of the lad
<kawan> <nenek> anggap aku as one of the lad <– err… i hv to "re-think" that
<nenek> apsal lak kene rethink?
<kawan> [aku rethink bda jht la]
<kawan> hahaha
<nenek> bda jht no hal
<nenek> ko ada
<nenek> ko leh train aku
<nenek> hahahahaha
<kawan> erk…
<kawan> perghhh…
<nenek> wait
<nenek> r we thinking along the same line here?
<kawan> [miza nakal ek mlm ni]
<kawan> hehehehehe
<nenek> budus…. aku dh agk kita pk bda lain2

(perbualan diedit dan identiti dirahsiakn untuk menjaga air muka sesetengah pihak)
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i was thinking about something like cutting class, hacking into someone’s pc or vandalism when im talking to him.

apparently, when it comes to "bda jht", guys’ definitions are only restricted to one thing only: porn.

cis….

place/scene: the movie is about to start, so it is quite senyap in the panggung wayang.

then: *ringing tone kuat tahap dewa menggegar panggung*

stupid guy: hello?….yes?….yes, bla bla bla bla bla….

and all the movie goers start to feel restless sbb it seems like this stupid guy gonna talk for a very LOOOOOOOOOONG time.

suddenly:

miss brave: excuse me, dik. tlg ckp pelan2 sket ye. akak nk tgk citer ni.

and the whole panggung terdiam sebentar dgn keberanian perempuan itu. the thing is, she looks like she’s barely 17. and the stupid guy must be at least 30++.

after several seconds (and after everybody is over own shock) the stupid guy and the guy who sat beside miss brave (her bf presumably) said almost simultaneously to her:

stupid guy: adik???
miss brave bf: akak???
miss brave: ye la, dh tak matured, mestila panggil adik kan?

and all of the ppl in the panggung tried very hard to stifle our giggles when we heard her logic.

and it makes me thinking. she is exactly like me when i was younger. so brave to say what  i think and the hell with the consequences. i long to be that way again. dy…kenapa la ko ubah aku jadi wanita yang lemah lembut dan bersopan santun…?

akhirnya:

the stupid guy lost his word before he hangs up.

but my greatest regret was: damn…knp la panggung ni gelap. klu tak best betul aku tgk muka lelaki tu!

org kata: jgn celupar sangat. jgn ckp bsr sgt. nnt terkena kt batang hidung baru tau.

org kata…

nmpknya nenek dh mula rasa pahitnya ubat nenek sendiri.  tapi nenek redha. apa yg nenek tak b’knn dulu skrg nenek dh rs. tp ini semua pengalaman. one day when i hv grandchildren, i shall say, "if u dislike something or if something not to your liking, just look and learn from them. do not said anything becoz if one day Allah decide to test u with it, you’ll be humbled before those very things u dislike."

….jadi, itulah pesan nenek utk kamu semua. jgn bongkak, jgn ckp bsr. sekali Allah uji dan balik kan kata-kata kamu pada kamu, terduduk kamu semua nnt… hahaha…